Love shy: Difference between revisions

'''Love-shyness''' is a hyponym of [[inceldom]] and a specific type of sometimes severe chronic [[mentalcel|shyness]] that impairs or prevents intimate [[relationship]]s.<ref name="Brian G 1989">The Shy Man Syndrome: Why Men Become Love-Shy and How They Can Overcome It</ref><ref name="Crozier, W. Ray 2001">International Handbook of Social Anxiety: Concepts, Research, and Interventions Relating to the Self and Shyness</ref> It implies a degree of inhibition and reticence with potential partners that may be sufficiently severe to preclude participation in courtship, [[marriage]] and family roles.<ref>http://journals.lww.com/jonmd/Abstract/2004/05000/Cohabitation,_Education,_and_Occupation_of.8.aspx</ref> According to this definition, love-shy people may find it difficult if not impossible to be [[confidence|assertive]] in informal situations involving potential [[romance|romantic]] or [[sex]]ual partners. For example, a [[mancel|heterosexual]] love-shy man may in some cases have trouble initiating conversations with women because of strong feelings of [[mentalcel|social anxiety]]. The topic of 'love-shyness', with that phrase used verbatim has appeared in academic contexts like an article in a peer reviewed Personality Psychology journal cited 200 times<ref name="Brian G. Gilmartin 1987" /> and a peer reviewed family research journal cited 17 times.<ref>Some Family Antecedents of Severe Shyness, Journal: Family Relations, https://www.jstor.org/stable/583584</ref>

 

The sociologist [[Brian Gilmartin|Brian G. Gilmartin]] coined the term Love-shyness and created its theoretical framework. Gilmartin performed several scientific studies of chronically dateless men in the early 1980s, and discovered several patterns among them. He collated and explained the theory in the seminal book [[Shyness and Love]],  the first academic book about love-shyness to use the term, 'love-shy', has been reviewed by contemporary psychology multiple times.<ref name="Elizabeth Rice Allgeier 1988" /><ref>PsycCRITIQUES, author: Jonathan M Cheek, title: Love-Shy Men, https://www.researchgate.net/publication/235420368_Love-Shy_Men</ref>

Love-shyness may be a stand-alone phobia (independent of other phobias), or may also be a subset of social anxiety disorder, also sometimes called social phobia.<ref name="Brian G 1989" /><ref name="Crozier, W. Ray 2001" /> Some psychologists also hold that avoidant personality disorder can in some cases be an underlying cause of intimacy avoidance or love-shyness in certain individuals.<ref>Gale Encyclopedia of Mental Disorders, chapter, Avoidant personality disorder</ref><ref>Shyness & Love: Causes, Consequences, and Treatments</ref> Some also refer to love-shyness as [[erotophobia]] or [[genophobia]] although both are also seen by some as being a much more narrowly-defined problem than love-shyness (tied only to sex and not having the broader spectrum of love-shyness, which is seen as being more multi-dimensional).<ref>title: Effects of anonymity, gender, and erotophilia on the quality of data obtained from self-reports of socially sensitive behaviors, journal: Journal of Behavioral Medicine, year=2002, volume=25, issue=5, pages=439–467, doi=10.1023/A:1020419023766</ref> Others would define erotophobia as one type of love-shyness.<ref name="Brian G 1989" /> In some cases, another specific phobia, [[body dysmorphic disorder]] (a phobia of being seen as physically unattractive) may also be an underlying cause of love-shyness.<ref name="Phillips, K. A. 1996 p141">Author: Phillips, K. A., year: 1996, title: The broken mirror: Understanding and treating body dysmorphic disorder, page: 141, location: New York, publisher: Oxford University Press, isbn=0-19-508317-2</ref> "Love avoidant", is a common colloquial synonym of love-shy.

 

Gilmartin's data collection included only heterosexual men. According to Gilmartin, people of all ages, all races, all sexual orientations, and all genders can be love-shy. However, in Gilmartin's opinion, the negative effects of love-shyness manifest themselves primarily in heterosexual men. He studied 200 love-shy college students (aged 19–24), 100 older love-shy men (aged 35–50), and a comparison group of 200 "non-shy", "highly social" college students.<ref name="Brian G. Gilmartin 1987"><nowiki>name: Brian Gilmartin, year=1987, title: Peer Group Antecedents of Severe Love-shyness in Males, journal=Journal of Personality, volume=55, issue=3, pages=467–489, doi=10.1111/j.1467-6494.1987.tb00447.x }}</nowiki></ref>

 

 

When psychological conditions are analyzed, usually the mental state is most focused on. However, physical symptoms are just as important. In Shyness and Love, Gilmartin states:

He then states that the ability to breathe through the nose is associated with the feeling of freedom. This is also important in school athletics. As a result, many love-shy children don’t breathe properly, and are left out from many team sports. Usually, this form of sinus congestion is genetic, and surgically treated.

 

The love-shy men in Gilmartin's sample had significant differences in temperament from the non-shy men. They scored significantly lower on [[low inhib|extroversion]], and higher on neuroticism than the non-shy men on the [[Eysenck Personality Questionnaire]].<ref name="Brian G. Gilmartin 1987" /> In Hans Eysenck's terms, they had a "melancholic" temperament. Most of the love-shy men (and only few of the non-shy men) reported that their mothers had often said that they had been quiet babies, which Gilmartin suggests is evidence that love-shys are more likely to fit [[Jerome Kagan]]'s description of behavioral social inhibition.<ref name="Brian G. Gilmartin 1987" /> A number of the men also had a difficult time being born and sometimes needed a c-section to be performed.<ref name="Brian G. Gilmartin 1987" />

A minority of the younger love-shys had some feelings of optimism in getting their problems fixed while all of the older love-shys felt very pessimistic about their problems and also felt cynical about women and the world in general.<ref name="Brian G. Gilmartin 1987" /> The older men expressed more anger in their interviews while the younger men were calmer.<ref name="Brian G. Gilmartin 1987" /> Very few on either side delved into drugs or alcohol. However, both had similar interests such as art and swimming. For the most part, competitive sports were not liked by either age grouping. Both age groupings were also very spiritual in terms of their ideological leanings.<ref name="Brian G. Gilmartin 1987" />

Most of the love-shy men, but none of the non-shy men, reported never having ''any'' friends; not even acquaintances. The vast majority of love-shy men reported being [[Bully|bullied]] by children their own age due to their inhibitions and interests, while none of the non-shy men did, and love-shy men were less likely to fight back against bullies. Around half of the love-shy men reported being bullied or harassed as late as high school, while none of the non-shy men did. Even as adults, the love-shy men reported remaining friendless and abused by other people.<ref name="Brian G. Gilmartin 1987" />

In his recruited samples, Gilmartin had found 86% of the non-shy younger men had a sister around while growing up, as opposed to 41% of the love-shy younger men, with 29% of the love-shy older men never having had a sister. In the same groups, over 50% of the non-shy young group had grown up with at least two sisters, compared to only 6% of the younger and 3% of the older love-shy men. Gilmartin also noted that none of the love-shy older men and very few of the love-shy younger men had any adults to rely on for emotional support growing up. Also it is noted that many of the love-shy men had a small network of cousins, 90% of them with 1 or less, 10% had 2-3; none had more than 3.<ref name="Brian G. Gilmartin 1987" /> Some of the men expressed that their siblings achieved intimacy with [[relationship]]s and were preferred by their parents much more than themselves.<ref name="Brian G 1989" />

 

Gilmartin's love-shy men were poorly-adjusted, as they were unhappy with their lives and high in rates of anxiety disorders, like social phobia, avoidant [[personality]] disorder, body dysmorphic disorder,<ref name="Phillips, K. A. 1996 p141" /> social anxiety disorder or other anxiety-related problems. He found that the love-shy men had considerably more violent fantasies, were very pessimistic and cynical about the world, were much more likely to believe that nobody cared about them, and were much more likely to have difficulties concentrating. He also found a tendency in some of the love-shy men to stare compulsively at women with whom they were infatuated or even stalk them, but without being able to talk to them, which sometimes got them in trouble with school authorities because of the perceived threat. Most of the love-shy men reported experiencing frequent feelings of depression, loneliness and alienation. A small number of the men would often try to disassociate from reality through various means, including [[addiction]]s of various types or other kinds of escapist habits like excessive daydreaming or otherwise spending a lot of time in fantasy. Gilmartin noted that about 40% of the older love-shy men had seriously considered committing [[suicide]].<ref name="Brian G 1989" />

 

Gilmartin noted that the 100 older love-shy men studied were experiencing well above-average career instability. Even though almost all of these older love-shys had successfully completed higher education, their salaries were well below the US average. They were typically, if anything, underemployed and were working in minimum wage jobs such as taxi-driving and door-to-door canvassing. At the time of Gilmartin's research (1979–1982), 3.6% of college graduates in the USA were unemployed. Yet the older love-shy men had a disproportionate [[unemployment]] rate of 16% because of their perceived bad past work experiences. As a result, all of the love-shy men were in the [[lower middle class]] or lower.<ref name="Brian G 1989" />

The income of the older love-shys was greatly influenced by their choice of college major. Their overall average annual income was $14,782 ($38,100 in 2008 dollars). Among those who had obtained degrees in business, computer science, or engineering, the average was $21,163 ($54,600 in 2008 dollars).<ref name="Brian G 1989" />

Gilmartin compiled a list of movies between 1945 and 1980 that were most often seen by the American love-shy in his study. According to Gilmartin, the full list of 63 repeatedly seen movies can be classified into two categories, "heavy", emotionally engrossing love stories, and escapist musicals with a strong romantic flavor.

*School [[bullying]]. Love-shy boys are vulnerable to [[bullying]] from their [[peer group]], due to their shyness and inhibition. Non-conformism to peer group norms also makes the boy a target through no fault of his own.<ref name="Brian G. Gilmartin 1987" />

*Parental upbringing. Where a child receives primarily negative stimuli from his parents (e.g. [[corporal punishment]], [[child abuse]], verbal abuse, criticism, 'put-downs', negative comparisons, indifference) this will most likely cause the boy to retreat further and further into his 'shell'.<ref name="Brian G. Gilmartin 1987" />

 

With so many negative stimuli from crucial [[relationship]]s in one's childhood, the love-shy boy becomes a [[social isolation|social isolate]]. He learns to associate these crucial interactions (i.e. with parents, peer group) with hurt feelings and is likely to avoid social interaction. Social isolation and social anxiety becomes a '[[Virtuous circle and vicious circle|vicious circle]]' for the love-shy individual as the years go by, and inhibits his chances in interaction with the opposite sex, as well as in other crucial areas of life such as his career.

 

 

Gilmartin noted that because of their ''perceived'' lack of interest in women, love-shy men are frequently assumed to be [[homosexual]]. Homosexual men would make advances to the love-shy men, but these advances would be rejected. Gilmartin also noted that many love-shy men are not interested in [[friendship]]s with other men.<ref name="Brian G 1989" />

 

In 2009, Talmer Shockley, a self-confessed love-shy person, wrote ''The Love-Shy Survival Guide'' (2009). Shockley's book differs from Gilmartin's books and research in a few ways. Shockley classifies love-shyness as a [[phobia]], though not one caused by an overt traumatic childhood incident.<ref name="Talmer Shockley 2009">The Love-Shy Survival Guide</ref> He acknowledges love-shy women and their need for help. He explores possible solutions for overcoming love-shyness, as well as the possible [[relationship]] between Asperger syndrome and love-shyness.<ref name="Talmer Shockley 2009" /> Shockley offers no additional scientific proof of love-shyness except to reference the thousands of members of online discussion forums devoted to love-shyness.<ref name="Talmer Shockley 2009" />

 

Another point of criticism may be that love-shyness considers confidence in sexual matters as an isolated issue. Within a more general framework of human [[dominance hierarchy|dominance behavior]], the inability to court a female may be related to social status, e.g. social status explains 62% of the variance in copulation opportunities for men<ref>https://incels.wiki/w/Scientific_Blackpill#Men.27s_social_status_accounts_for_62.25_of_the_variance_of_copulation_opportunities</ref>