Love shy: Difference between revisions

'''Love-shyness''' is a hyponym of [[inceldom]] and a specific type of sometimes severe chronic [[mentalcel|shyness]] that impairs or prevents intimate relationships.<ref name="Brian G 1989">The Shy Man Syndrome: Why Men Become Love-Shy and How They Can Overcome It</ref><ref name="Crozier, W. Ray 2001">International Handbook of Social Anxiety: Concepts, Research, and Interventions Relating to the Self and Shyness</ref> It implies a degree of [[inhibition (social)|inhibition]] and reticence with potential partners that may be sufficiently severe to preclude participation in courtship, [[marriage]] and family roles.<ref>http://journals.lww.com/jonmd/Abstract/2004/05000/Cohabitation,_Education,_and_Occupation_of.8.aspx</ref> According to this definition, love-shy people may find it difficult if not impossible to be [[confidence|assertive]] in informal situations involving potential [[romance|romantic]] or [[sex]]ual partners. For example, a [[mancel|heterosexual]] love-shy man may in some cases have trouble initiating [[conversation]]s with women because of strong feelings of [[mentalcel|social anxiety]].  The topic of 'love-shyness', with that phrase used verbatim has appeared in academic contexts like an article in a peer reviewed Personality Psychology journal cited 200 times<ref name="Brian G. Gilmartin 1987" /> and a peer reviewed family research journal cited 17 times<ref>Some Family Antecedents of Severe Shyness, Journal: Family Relations, https://www.jstor.org/stable/583584</ref>.

Some psychologists believe that love-shyness can exist without the presence of phobias or anxiety disorders, like [[mentalcel|social phobia]] or social anxiety disorder—that it can be focused only on issues related to intimacy and not be related to other problems.<ref name="Brian G 1989"/> Others believe that, regardless of whether love-shyness is tied to other social anxiety problems, it nevertheless develops its own unique issues that must be attended to in order to effect the fullest recovery for the afflicted individual; that, regardless of the causes, the long-term course of a love-shy person's life is profoundly affected in unique ways, because of the unique and paramount importance of personal intimacy in one's life, thereby setting love-shyness apart from other phobias and requiring special therapeutic attention and support.<ref name="Brian G 1989"/>

Love-shyness may be a stand-alone phobia (independent of other phobias), or may also be a subset of social anxiety disorder, also sometimes called social phobia.<ref name="Brian G 1989"/><ref name="Crozier, W. Ray 2001"/>  Some psychologists also hold that avoidant personality disorder can in some cases be an underlying cause of intimacy avoidance or love-shyness in certain individuals.<ref>Gale Encyclopedia of Mental Disorders, chapter, Avoidant personality disorder</ref><ref>Shyness & Love: Causes, Consequences, and Treatments</ref> Some also refer to love-shyness as [[erotophobia]] or [[genophobia]] although both are also seen by some as being a much more narrowly-defined problem than love-shyness (tied only to sex and not having the broader spectrum of love-shyness, which is seen as being more multi-dimensional).<ref>title: Effects of anonymity, gender, and erotophilia on the quality of data obtained from self-reports of socially sensitive behaviors, journal: Journal of Behavioral Medicine, year=2002, volume=25, issue=5, pages=439–467, doi=10.1023/A:1020419023766</ref> Others would define erotophobia as one type of love-shyness.<ref name="Brian G 1989"/> In some cases, another specific phobia, [[BDD|body dysmorphic disorder]] (a phobia of being seen as physically unattractive) may also be an underlying cause of love-shyness.<ref name="Phillips, K. A. 1996 p141">Author: Phillips, K. A., year: 1996, title: The broken mirror: Understanding and treating body dysmorphic disorder, page: 141, location: New York, publisher: Oxford University Press, isbn=0-19-508317-2</ref>

The term "love-shyness" was originally coined by psychologist [[Brian Gilmartin]], who estimated that love-shyness afflicts approximately 1.5% of American males and will prevent about 1.7 million U.S. males from ever marrying or experiencing intimate sexual contact with women.<ref name="Brian G 1989"/> Gilmartin also conducted research studies and formulated treatment and prevention protocols for love-shyness.<ref name="Brian G 1989"/>

Gilmartin's data collection included only heterosexual men.  According to Gilmartin, people of all ages, all races, all sexual orientations, and all genders can be love-shy. However, in Gilmartin's opinion, the negative effects of love-shyness manifest themselves primarily in heterosexual men.  He studied 200 love-shy college students (aged 19–24), 100 older love-shy men (aged 35–50), and a comparison group of 200 "non-shy", "highly social" college students.<ref name="Brian G. Gilmartin 1987">name: Brian Gilmartin, year=1987, title: Peer Group Antecedents of Severe Love-shyness in Males, journal=Journal of Personality, volume=55, issue=3, pages=467–489, doi=10.1111/j.1467-6494.1987.tb00447.x }}</ref>

The love-shy men in Gilmartin's sample had significant differences in temperament from the non-shy men.  They scored significantly lower on [[low inhib|extroversion]], and higher on neuroticism than the non-shy men on the [[Eysenck Personality Questionnaire]].<ref name="Brian G. Gilmartin 1987"/>  In Hans Eysenck's terms, they had a "melancholic" temperament.  Most of the love-shy men (and only few of the non-shy men) reported that their mothers had often said that they had been quiet babies, which Gilmartin suggests is evidence that love-shys are more likely to fit [[Jerome Kagan]]'s description of behavioral social inhibition.<ref name="Brian G. Gilmartin 1987"/> A number of the men also had a difficult time being born and sometimes needed a c-section to be performed.<ref name="Brian G. Gilmartin 1987"/>

Most of the love-shy men, but none of the non-shy men, reported never having ''any'' friends; not even acquaintances.  The vast majority of love-shy men reported being [[Bully|bullied]] by children their own age due to their inhibitions and interests, while none of the non-shy men did, and love-shy men were less likely to fight back against bullies.  Around half of the love-shy men reported being bullied or harassed as late as high school, while none of the non-shy men did. Even as adults, the love-shy men reported remaining friendless and abused by other people.<ref name="Brian G. Gilmartin 1987"/>

From the data Gilmartin uncovered about the love-shy's family life, they grew up in dysfunctional families.<ref name="Brian G. Gilmartin 1987"/>

Gilmartin's love-shy men were poorly-adjusted, as they were unhappy with their lives and high in rates of anxiety disorders, like social phobia, avoidant [[personality]] disorder, body dysmorphic disorder,<ref name="Phillips, K. A. 1996 p141"/> social anxiety disorder or other anxiety-related problems. He found that the love-shy men had considerably more violent fantasies, were very pessimistic and cynical about the world, were much more likely to believe that nobody cared about them, and were much more likely to have difficulties concentrating.  He also found a tendency in some of the love-shy men to stare compulsively at women with whom they were infatuated or even stalk them, but without being able to talk to them, which sometimes got them in trouble with school authorities because of the perceived threat.  Most of the love-shy men reported experiencing frequent feelings of depression, loneliness and alienation. A small number of the men would often try to disassociate from reality through various means, including [[addiction]]s of various types or other kinds of escapist habits like excessive daydreaming or otherwise spending a lot of time in fantasy. Gilmartin noted that about 40% of the older love-shy men had seriously considered committing [[suicide]].<ref name="Brian G 1989"/>

Gilmartin noted that the 100 older love-shy men studied were experiencing well above-average career instability.  Even though almost all of these older love-shys had successfully completed higher education, their salaries were well below the US average. They were typically, if anything, underemployed and were working in minimum wage jobs such as taxi-driving and door-to-door canvassing. At the time of Gilmartin's research (1979–1982), 3.6% of college graduates in the USA were unemployed.  Yet the older love-shy men had a disproportionate [[unemployment]] rate of 16% because of their perceived bad past work experiences. As a result, all of the love-shy men were in the [[lower middle class]] or lower.<ref name="Brian G 1989"/>

According to Gilmartin, the love-shy tended to prefer vocal love ballads such as [[Broadway theatre]] music, brassy jazz music, easy listening, film soundtracks and light classical music, but not traditional classical music. A few also mentioned having a strong liking for country and western. Rock music of almost every kind was disliked by the love-shy, but only on an aesthetic level, not on moral grounds. Gilmartin noted that surprisingly few of the love-shy men mentioned female singers.